Tales:Purple Unicorn

Uncle Pauli's viral adventures! (Tales of the purple unicorn!)

Q: What do you give the guy who has everything?

A: A viral delirium fit for a king!

Ooooh yah. It's been a doozy. I have never been so sick in my life. Lovingly handed down via Iraqi refugees to my mother, and then to me, this little gem acts like a combination glandular fever/LSD trip-out. For four days and five nights, I was totally babbling with fever. All rules of reality were out the window. It would have been funny if it weren't so terrifying. I didn't eat or sleep for four days, and lost weight in ways my gym instructor definitely won't approve of.

Ah yes! Running with sweat, shaking like a malaria victim, and with testicles swollen like a Doug Winger character. Damn fine!

Lying terrified on my bed because I believe my quilt was a two dimensional sentient life form that might resent my extra dimension. then realising that it had thickness - but perhaps it now resented the sheet, which was closer to a 'perfect' 2D. Obvious solution: Keep them apart. Make a tent with my quaking body between the hours of one thirty and three thirty in the morning. Wave the tent about to distract the feuding Manchester....

Reality check. Yes! Stagger out to lounge room. Check fish. Fish in fish tank. Frog in terrarium. Open fridge. Yes - believable fridge contents. Perhaps TOO believable? Be violently sick into bucket, then quickly check fridge contents again to see if they've changed around.

Fall over.

Creep back without turning on light. Recheck fridge contents. Seem stable. Ergo THAT is reality.

Back to bed.

Propose new twist on quantum electron probability theory. Forget the maths while making check on fridge contents. Wile away next three sweating hours constantly making and re-making cuts with a samurai sword. Parry-turn-cut! Blood literally hanging in the dark. Jesus - why are these bastards dumb enough to keep coming?

Realism of human flesh resistance to sword cuts seems too good. Check fridge. Fridge is reality. Good - have apparently not spent three hours killing people with sword. Chris would have been pissed.


Only salvageable point? The Purple Unicorn.

In the middle of nigh #4, I was expecting some let up in the head storm. I was unprepared for what followed. The moment I touched head to pillow, I had a clear vision. A black armoured bull-doggie thing is in the door of an evil sports car, brandishing a sword. Hi-tech CGI city scape all around. Dog screams "DESTROY THEM!"

Cut to the cutest damned little character you've ever seen: A cute little unicorn in powered armour - female - looks like she's been designed by the "Samurai Pizza Cats" guys. High head to body ratio. Big eyes - cute tits and tail. Purple powered armour suit. Silver hi-tech lance. She's hovering above the skyscrapers, backlit by storm. Lightning cracks and her mount appears - a long armoured "Couatl' serpent - possible robotic. Also metallic purple. You suddenly get her POV as she plunged straight down to street level. She's joined by a robotic fox, and a thing that looks like a mandril with two fuckin' faces! (JESUS - what pit from hell did THAT thing come from?) A soundtrack suddenly blared out louder than Motorhead mixed with Hiroshima.

The damned thing instantly shot me out of bed, yelling. Purple lights dance in the dark. Pulse literally racing. Sweat everywhere. Fucking music scared me shitless.

Go check fridge...

Every time the lights go out for the next six hours:  Unicorn - theme song - JESUS!

Cute unicorn, though....!


Seem more coherent this afternoon.

I'm told this one takes 2 weeks to shake loose.

Better go check the fridge...


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