Tank Vixens
The Frazetta Stone

Coming Soon...

Tank Vixens and the Quest for the Frazetta Stone

Scene 5 – Planet Frammenwhanger - Desert 

      Caption
      Planet Frammenwhanger:
      Temperature: 1.5 on the “Ibiza” scale.
      Atmosphere: Sultry
      “Just another day in the office…”

Deep in the veldt, an elite regiment of VIMP “Panzer Picas” (earless rabbits from South America – South American Nazi émigrés!) swarm forwards on the backs of tanks – the VIMP banner flying and looking terribly polished and aggressive.

      Radio:
      …Buy short, sell long! Ein rrrrolling stone gathers no moss! A chicken in every garage – a car in every pot!

An efficient Panzer Pica tank crewman reports to the commander in a neighbouring tank.

      Radio jingle
      (musical notes)
      One twenty-two! Fascism raaaadio!

      Pica crewman 1
      Panzer Picas entering sector four, Senjor.
      No enemy reseestance!

      Pica Captain
      Prima!
      I don’t see what command was so concerned about, Ramon!
      At thees rate, soon we shall have thees whole sector under our heels!

A scout on the ground suddenly holds up a hand, looking cautious. Everyone freezes in fright.

      Pica scout
      Shhhhh! Quiet!

 The Scout is suddenly pressed against a tree bole, gripped with fear.

      Pica scout
      (terror)
      I smell lingerie…

The Picas nervously probe forwards, weapons quaking in their hands.

      Pica captain
      (terror)
      Alright, Muchachos! We – we just c-carry on as normal!
      What danger can we face from just a leetle beet of…

We see the Tank Vixen’s tank, broken down with its hood up. Sonya and Firen have their heads under the bonnet and their arses – in cut offs – pointing at the Picas.

      Pica captain
      (mesmerized)
      …tail?

      Terrified Panzer Pica.
      Madre!

So nicely oil-smeared and innocent, Sonya and Firen look up from their broken-down tank. They are wearing tank tops (stretched to the breaking point) and cut off jeans – oil smears and tousled hair.

      Firen
      Oh hi!
      Hey – we broke down!

      Sonya
      (sly, Innocent” and evil)
      Oh wow! Like – you came to save us!

Sonya perches her glasses on the edge of her nose, looking so sweaty and sultry... (ooh! Evil cow! Back – back, I say! Erk – my heart!) A Pica explodes!

      Sonya
      Can you help us?
      We’d be, like – so totally, totally grateful!

      SFX
      Blam! Squeeeeeee!

In a panic, the Pica Captain turns around. His men join him.

      Pica Captain
      Don’t meet their eyes! 

      - Think of home!
      - Think of mother!

      SFX
      Blam – squeeeeeeeee!

      Pica Captain
      OK – don’t think of her like THAT!

The Picas can now only see Sona and Firen’s shadows on the sand. Picas clutch their groins – unable to take it.

      Firen
      You won’t help us fix our engine? That’s so mean!

      Just think – two slim, blonde girls caught out in all this heat. Their thin tank tops slowly soaking through with sweat. Their bodies chafing at the restriction of their tight, hot, drum-taut little shorts…

      Pica 1
      C-can’t…. fight it!

      Pica 2
      There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home…!

Standing before the Picas, Firen does a stretch, pouring water from an evian bottle all down her cleavage.

      Firen
      And me – accidentally spilling the last of our evaian water all down my front!

The Pica Captain quakes. Sonya and Firen hold each other, pouty – looking a little chastened. Heads hanging.

      Pica captain
      You can’t fool us!
      I read your dossier! You-you’re both gay!

      Sonya
      (sighs)
      Yes. Monogamous, committed. 

      But sometimes… 

      Pica Captain
      (hopeful)
      Sometimes?

Close up of Sonya, play-acting a little blush of shame and arousal.

      Sonya
      ..sometimes we both fantasise about what it would be like to have a guy… you know… watch.

The Pica’s begin to explode, feint, flee, or have out-of-body experiences. Dozens and dozens of the pathetic little bastards collapse and fall

      Idiot Picas
      Blam!
      Pow!
      Vladababoom!
      Aieeeee!
      Run away! Run away!
      Pica Pica!
      Pica-oooooooooh…!

      Out-of-body Pica
      Grandmother? Is that you?

Gedda, dressed in panties and a tank top, crawls out from under the engine of their tank, oil smeared and sweaty. Karin is under the tank as well, reading a magazine. Gedda is irritably pulling her panties out of the crack of her arse.

      Gedda
      (to Sonya and Firen)
      I’m completely bored with this!
      Are you bastards finished yet?
      These pants are digging at my chocolate starfish!

      Pica
      Madre la… aieeeeee! (blam!)

      Firen
      (happy)
      Comiiiing!

A busted hydraulic line spurts gooey white fluid all over Gedda’s tank top and panties. Pica’s have heart attacks as they watch.

      Gedda
      Crap – now there’s fluid all over everything!

Gedda strips off, doing a lovely ‘lift’ as she takes off her tank top. Picas fall in their dozens.

      Gedda
      Bloody bloody bloody!
      Now I’m just going to have to go it raw all day.
      Every time we go over a bumpy road, my bloody seat’s going to get all sticky!

Sheltering in a half track full of terrified, cringing Picas who are all trying to hide, the Pica Scout radios for help. A beer cooler is beside him.

      Pica scout.
      We need help!
      Air support! Artillery! Naked pictures of the Ozmonds!
      Anything!

Gedda stands naked over the terrified Picas in the half track, giving them all a prize upward view.

      Gedda
      Oi! Knob-ends! Gi’ us a larger or I’ll kill you!

Gedda gets a long necked beer bottle – cap still on (“Sputnik larger – for that great potato taste!”)

      Gedda
      Oh bugger! No bottle opener!
      Oh well.

Gedda obviously opens the bottle by ‘other means’ OC. Show the Picas – who watch – having heart attacks.

      GEDDA SFX
      Foont!

      Pop! 

      Fizzzzzzzzz!

Gedda stalks off, drinking happily. The Picas all seem to have died in spot. One Pica has the bottle cap. Sonya and Firen watch Gedda go, deeply impressed.

      Pica with bottle cap
      H-hey amigos.
      I won a CD…

      Firen
      Damn that’s impressive.

      Sonya
      You should see her open jars of peanut butter…

Only the Pica Captain is left. He has a trembling gun pointed at Sonya and Firen, who stand there slinky and unconcerned. The Pica Captain is weaving on his feet.

      Pica Captain
      H-hands up!
      So, Vixens! You – you theenk you have gotten the better of us! But no! I, Capitain Zanos, are made of stronger…

Anni comes out from behind the tank in a wet wet WET tee shirt, full of well meaning happiness and totally devoid of brain cells.

      Anni
      Hi-eeeee!

      Pica Captain
      Erk!

Nice full shot of Anni, wet tee shirt, posing beside the wet, freshly washed tank. Anni is helpful, sweet, concerned and dumb as a post.

      Anni
      Oooh, spiffy!
      Hey chaps – the tanks still broken.
      I tried washing it. Do you think that will help?

Sonya and Firen inspect the Pica Captain He has crumbled like a busted jigsaw puzzle.

      Pica Captain
      C-call me…? 

      Firen
      The touching thing is that she actually means it.

 


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